Monday, May 14, 2012
The doctors said it was gas, but she knows it wasn't.
My mom gave birth to 7 BIG babies. I rang in at the second biggest, somewhere between 9 and 10 pounds. As I get closer to having babies of my own... I hope that she doesn't pass along that trait.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
DISNEYLAND With the Campbells!
Time with my love.
And THIS MONKEY! - We stood in amazement at the San Diego Zoo for alomst an hour and watched this little guy use sticks, big sticks, little sticks, and reach and reach and try to pull a little peanut from outside the cage...to him. hilarious.
Thats all I can muster for now folks. my job involves typing... all day... so im not totally feeling it right now... but everyone loves pictures...right?
Saturday, May 5, 2012
- I sleep like a dream. honestly, I can be asleep in 5 minutes flat. its like nothing I have ever experienced.
- I dont have to remember to take my pills (good. im lazy anyways!)
- On the days I feel good, I feel like "wow... this is me. im happy all on my own!"
- I can have kids some day without complications from those medications (fingers crossed)
- Getting used to what it feels like to be "me" all on my own.
- Withdrawal symptoms
- I cry. a lot. for some reason all of my emotions have starting showing themselves in all situations. I'm talking everything from sad movies to commercials. sad stories to sad thoughts. in a way its O.K. I mean, not crying for years and years can get a little old.
- and finally, "off days" - I used to have off days a lot. most days. but now the off days get a little less intense, a little less often. a little more manageable. things get better day by day.
I felt really crushed by my diagnosis, but upon further though, prayer and talks from family and friends, I have felt like maybe I can bypass this. I'm not saying that the psychiatrist that diagnosed me was wrong. I'm also not saying that I am in the clear. I think that I had/have all the signs of someone with bipolar disorder. I also think that thousands of people live their whole lives without the privilege (or curse) of bieng diagnosed or "labeled" with this illness when they have it.
Every time I have a sad day, an off day... I get scared that I'm slipping. that I have only been doing so well because I have been manic, that every "success story" I have is fake, and I'm destined to fail eventually. I am trying to get that out of my head.
Its getting easier to fight this. I AM NOT a perpetual screw-up. I AM NOT letting myself live on a textbook diagnosis. I WILL WIN.
I am going to cut down on these kinds of posts and move on to the happier things. coming up (after I edit some pictures):
T and I recently went to san Diego to get religously sealed for time and all eternity! my nephew Lorenzo just turned one! DISNEYLAND with the Campbell's! Engagement session with my brother and his gorgeous fiancé! so much coming up! I don't have a phone (long story) but I will be back!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
And it's hitting me pretty hard.
I'm going from a relatively high dose of anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, to absolutely nothing in a matter of less-than a week.
It's not supposed to go like that... These drugs are hard to get out of your body... Vertigo, depression, anxiety attacks, headaches, agitation...
On the up-side I am sleeping.
On the down side... I'm having trouble getting out of bed.
I'm lucky for the fact that, I love my job. I love coming in... It keeps me busy, and that's what I need right now to prevent a total crash.
I have had an amazing outpouring of support from people I love and care about, even people who I have lost touch with, I have cried over so many loving words.
I'm not alone.
I'm sorry if I don't respond individually to you... Please understand.
I'm not a "chatter" in real life... I have mastered the art of "grin and bear it" ... It's hard to talk about a mental illness and not feel... Well, crazy...
I'm trying to keep it to this blog... Keep my feelings here.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
4 hours, and many MANY doctors and tests later...
I sat across from Dr. Chokka knowing I wasn't getting out of his perfectly furnished office without a new diagnosis... And then he said it.
"we've determined that you have the classic signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder."
" you knew that was a possibility, right?"
"well, it crossed my mind"
Truth is, it had crossed my mind many times... I have the highest highs and the lowest lows. I lose twenty pounds and then can't get up to work out.
I couldn't help it, I started crying.
He told me I needed to get off of my anti depressants... Because they can make the highs and lows more exaggerated...
Then he told me I would need to go back on Seroquil.
I went on seroquil once before, for a few days... It was terrible. Awful.
But Dr C said it was the best way to go, and also asked me if I wanted to be part of a study for a new drug that would be paired with seroquil.
"It is a double blind test. You could be getting the pill, you could be getting a sugar pill... The good news is, we will be watching you very closely... Weekly, doing blood tests, full body exams, ct's..."
I phased out again.
In the end I signed up to do the study. Why not... If I can help people...I'm in.
When I drove up to the train station to pick up T, he wasn't there yet. I put the car in park, climbed into the passenger seat and started crying.
I cried until 7pm when I finally fell asleep.
T helped immensely. He always has... And he assured me he always will.
I'm not quite at the hopeful stage yet. When people can say "lots of people have this and lead normal lives with children and everything" and I believe them.
This was supposed to be my year.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It's been a while.
Since 2 or so, I have been laying in my bed, listening to my dog snore softly and my husband shift every so often. Listening to my heart pound. At 3am I decided morning is here to stay...
I have struggled with insomnia since high school... Too much on my mind I guess.
Don't get me wrong, it comes and goes... There are times when I can't get enough sleep... Those times are just as tough, but much less boring.
I have an "active brain"
Anxiety takes a toll.
I remember being in high school and 3am was my best "writing time". I would sit at my electric keyboard with my headset on... And play.
My grades suffered, but they always had, I survived on coca-cola and late night chats with friends.
When I went to college, insomnia was my friend. Who didn't like a college student who didn't sleep?
What college student needed sleep? I was always up to the early hours, clearing bottles, and mentally prepping for an 8am anthropology class.
When Tay and I were dating I loved having him to text through the night, love is a good reason to be awake.
But when the desire to sleep for days came back and took over, T and I decided it was time for meds.
Side affect: insomnia.
Long story short... I have been taking sleeping pills for years.
Now it's hard to function without them.
I need to figure this out.
I have tried literally exhausting myself at the gym and with studying...
Well... That was earlier this evening.
Now my body is exhausted.. But my brain is shaking.
Shhh brain... It's almost 4... You will be up and at work soon enough.
Today will be a good day.
Day 24 sans coffee.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I was spoiled.. Too spoiled by Friends and family, I got flowers and dinner and chocolate... And one of the most beautiful Tiffany's &Co bracelet from my in-laws.
I am entirely too spoiled. .... Work has been getting cray-cray lately. I'm having trouble keeping up... I'm also cutting coffee out of my diet, for religious and health reasons... It makes it hard.to.think.
It has been COLD here... Like... Really cold.
I have been spending alot of time on my heated blanket in my bed. Boss-man recently discovered the magic of this heated piece of godliness.
Basically, as a family we are spending all waking moments we have at home on this heated blanket. I'm talking get home from work, grab some dinner (quickly!) and take it into bed with you. Study, cuddle, eat, sleep. - winter in Alberta. Who ever needs to leave their bed!? - in diet news... It's safe to say I'm officially off the wagon... And I don't even want To run after it.
Help me? .R.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I've been in "womanly" pain lately. And heaps of it. I got some pain killers, but they make me drowsy... And I think I have finally learned what that word actually means. Drowsy My eyes feel heavy... Like I close them and they just want to stay there... Zzzzzz... Oh shoot it happened again! But seriously... I slept for 11 hours last night and I cannot keep my eyes open today. No pain... But zero will to stay awake. My doctor finally sent me in today for bloodwork and an ultrasound.
I got into that cold little blue dress. And sat and waited. Someone woke me up 5 minutes later... I did it again. The ultrasound told me that I have a cyst on my oavary. They say that when a cyst gets pushed on, it's the woman equivalent of getting kicked in the balls. Take that boys, AND we have babies. Anyways, a few hours later and I'm feeling a little better.
Exhausted. Oh, and I gained 5 pounds over this whole ideal, eating whatever I wanted. *oink* Great. Sigh, game on. Again. Xx R
Monday, January 9, 2012
you see that "Glossed over" look?
I start a class this week. just a night class. Wednesdays after work from 6:15 to 9:30 I will belong to the educational system.
I had a lot more things to do before I was ready to go back to school...
(in no particular order...)
and by ALL MEANS - not everything I managed to accomplish...
I had to
FEEL AND LOVE THIS PERSON
do THIS for a few months
I can go on and on.
I guess what im saying is that, I have accomplished a lot in my life so far.
my journey has had ups and downs and lots of adventure.
and im ready to get real. im ready to be a student...again.
and thats just the start :)
wish me luck. :/