3am. Insomnia story.

3am...

It's been a while.

Since 2 or so, I have been laying in my bed, listening to my dog snore softly and my husband shift every so often. Listening to my heart pound. At 3am I decided morning is here to stay...

Insomnia.




I have struggled with insomnia since high school... Too much on my mind I guess.

Don't get me wrong, it comes and goes... There are times when I can't get enough sleep... Those times are just as tough, but much less boring.



I have an "active brain"
Anxiety takes a toll.
I remember being in high school and 3am was my best "writing time". I would sit at my electric keyboard with my headset on... And play.
My grades suffered, but they always had, I survived on coca-cola and late night chats with friends.


When I went to college, insomnia was my friend. Who didn't like a college student who didn't sleep?
What college student needed sleep? I was always up to the early hours, clearing bottles, and mentally prepping for an 8am anthropology class.



When Tay and I were dating I loved having him to text through the night, love is a good reason to be awake.



But when the desire to sleep for days came back and took over, T and I decided it was time for meds.
Side affect: insomnia.

Long story short... I have been taking sleeping pills for years.
Now it's hard to function without them.

I need to figure this out.

I have tried literally exhausting myself at the gym and with studying...


Well... That was earlier this evening.

Now my body is exhausted.. But my brain is shaking.

Shhh brain... It's almost 4... You will be up and at work soon enough.

Today will be a good day.

Day 24 sans coffee.

Bring it.

.R.

Run after it.

I had a great birthday.


I was spoiled.. Too spoiled by Friends and family, I got flowers and dinner and chocolate... And one of the most beautiful Tiffany's &Co bracelet from my in-laws.


I am entirely too spoiled. .... Work has been getting cray-cray lately. I'm having trouble keeping up... I'm also cutting coffee out of my diet, for religious and health reasons... It makes it hard.to.think.


It has been COLD here... Like... Really cold.


I have been spending alot of time on my heated blanket in my bed. Boss-man recently discovered the magic of this heated piece of godliness.


Basically, as a family we are spending all waking moments we have at home on this heated blanket. I'm talking get home from work, grab some dinner (quickly!) and take it into bed with you. Study, cuddle, eat, sleep. - winter in Alberta. Who ever needs to leave their bed!? - in diet news... It's safe to say I'm officially off the wagon... And I don't even want To run after it.


Help me? .R.

Sicko and game on... Again.

I've been in "womanly" pain lately. And heaps of it. I got some pain killers, but they make me drowsy... And I think I have finally learned what that word actually means. Drowsy My eyes feel heavy... Like I close them and they just want to stay there... Zzzzzz... Oh shoot it happened again! But seriously... I slept for 11 hours last night and I cannot keep my eyes open today. No pain... But zero will to stay awake. My doctor finally sent me in today for bloodwork and an ultrasound.


I got into that cold little blue dress. And sat and waited. Someone woke me up 5 minutes later... I did it again. The ultrasound told me that I have a cyst on my oavary. They say that when a cyst gets pushed on, it's the woman equivalent of getting kicked in the balls. Take that boys, AND we have babies. Anyways, a few hours later and I'm feeling a little better.


Exhausted. Oh, and I gained 5 pounds over this whole ideal, eating whatever I wanted. *oink* Great. Sigh, game on. Again. Xx R

\\?SKOOL?//

you see that "Glossed over" look?

Its noon

and its been a LOOONG day.

it started at, oh... 2am?

sleepless again.

that, and a monthly "gift"

makes me kind of like this... (looks and all)

I start a class this week. just a night class. Wednesdays after work from 6:15 to 9:30 I will belong to the educational system.

its been a long time since I have been to school.

I went to UVSC in Utah over a summer semester and *ahem* HALF of a fall semester.

lets just say that at the time, I wasn't taking my life very seriously.

I had a lot more things to do before I was ready to go back to school...

(in no particular order...)

and by ALL MEANS - not everything I managed to accomplish...

I had to

Go back to Ecuador to see HER

Go to HAWAII with THESE PEOPLE

RUN THIS

FEEL AND LOVE THIS PERSON

do THIS for a few months

I can go on and on.

I guess what im saying is that, I have accomplished a lot in my life so far.

my journey has had ups and downs and lots of adventure.

and im ready to get real. im ready to be a student...again.

and thats just the start :)

wish me luck. :/

XX

R

Thinking about this day...














I could never ask for anything more perfect. What's in the next chapter? I feel like this is OUR year. XX R

Location:Say forever.

The girl with the screaming brain?

Tonight I got homeAnd didn't want to go to the gymAgain.




Boss pawed at my legs to go outside and gave me that "I have so much energy it's coming out of my eyeballs" look.You know the one...




.. I checked the weather and it was about 2 degrees.

I will run.

When I realized that I had left my headphones at work I hesitated... But after some thought I hooked up the Boss, started my watch and went for a quiet run.

So.quiet.

I use music as a way of distracting myself. Normally because I'm in a gym and hate listening to meatheads grunt and sweat (yes... Listen to them sweat...)

Tonight I heard:

The panting of my dog.
The crushing of ice under my runners.
My ponytail brushing against my running jacket.
The "tap tap tap" of my feet.

And my brain going....

"OH MY GOSH! You idiot! Why are you running? You hate running! Ugh, your lungs! They are burning! Watch out for that ice! I hate EVERY second of this. our legs hate you. I'm cold... Oh.. We're done? Hm, I guess that was okay."

Welcome to my brain.




All in all I'm glad I went...Now I can tuck into my warm bed... And quietly fall asleep...Right brain???




Sigh.4:45 is going to come way too soon.




xxR

Tired.

Today I am tired.


So I let my body have what it wanted. Muffin, Mac and cheese... A night off the gym to make vegan dhal with my boys


And finally paint my nails by my fave candle (mmm chocolate mint)


As I twisted the lid back onto my old nail polish, I worried. Am I falling off the wagon? I literally would do anything BUT go to the gym today. It's always those days when I eat the most. Bah. Sometimes I let my dieting consume me, and then when I fall off the wagon... Well in the past I have fallen hard. I can't let it happen again. I'm scared. I keep saying tomorrow is a new day. I guess I'll keep getting up and trying.


T had this amazing idea to cook lots of small, calorie portioned meals and freeze them. I'm excited to see how it goes actually. It's been amazing having him off school, being a little housewife, and he's so supportive of me. He knows me better than anyone... I'm so blessed to have him. *yawn* it's late and I work early... It's sleep time loves...


xx R

HOT DOG!

ITS FINALLY A NEW YEAR!

I am actually VERY excited for this upcoming year...

change is coming, I can feel it. I'm starting this year near my goal weight, my family is happy and has a great place to live, I have plans for this year...

and I cant wait for you to hear about them as I go.

as WE GO.

A new year also means a new look for baby Bossley. he is a Pomeranian American Eskimo (it shows in his hyper-activity)

but he gets HOT...

so when he gets looking a little too much like a lion...

we give him a haircut, and he feels like one hundred Bucks!

They even gave him a little army -bow

and now hes one (I have to say it)

Hot Dog!

xoxo

R