Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Not My Year Anymore.

So yesterday I walked into Dr Chokka's clinic, hoping I would walk out with a plan for getting off of the Many meds I have been on the last few years. Hopeful that I could move on.

4 hours, and many MANY doctors and tests later...
I sat across from Dr. Chokka knowing I wasn't getting out of his perfectly furnished office without a new diagnosis... And then he said it.

"we've determined that you have the classic signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder."


" you knew that was a possibility, right?"

"well, it crossed my mind"

Truth is, it had crossed my mind many times... I have the highest highs and the lowest lows. I lose twenty pounds and then can't get up to work out.

I couldn't help it, I started crying.
He told me I needed to get off of my anti depressants... Because they can make the highs and lows more exaggerated...


Then he told me I would need to go back on Seroquil.

Not good.

I went on seroquil once before, for a few days... It was terrible. Awful.

But Dr C said it was the best way to go, and also asked me if I wanted to be part of a study for a new drug that would be paired with seroquil.

"It is a double blind test. You could be getting the pill, you could be getting a sugar pill... The good news is, we will be watching you very closely... Weekly, doing blood tests, full body exams, ct's..."

I phased out again.

In the end I signed up to do the study. Why not... If I can help people...I'm in.

When I drove up to the train station to pick up T, he wasn't there yet. I put the car in park, climbed into the passenger seat and started crying.
I cried until 7pm when I finally fell asleep.

T helped immensely. He always has... And he assured me he always will.

Truth is...

I'm sad.
I'm disappointed.

I'm not quite at the hopeful stage yet. When people can say "lots of people have this and lead normal lives with children and everything" and I believe them.
I'm angry.

This was supposed to be my year.

Now what?



  1. This is your year! Please don't focus on the negative, if I did, I would not get out of bed these past 4 months. You are a smart, beautiful woman with a supportive friends, family and husband. You are well loved and need to focus on the positives. It did not take me long to realize that when we met. This may be a difficult time in your life, give yourself time to focus on the wonderful Rachel that we have all grown to love, and give yourself a lot less time to spend focussing your energy on your diagnosis. Don't let it destroy or define you.
    You do live a normal life. You have a job, you have a husband you have a dog. Really, you have more than most.
    I am sorry you got this new.
    Turn Your Challenges into Opportunities.
    XO Paula

  2. I have to say it again! I'm proud of you. You're taking a situation that is tough and using it to help others find answers, too.'re amazing. You know who you are. You know that so many people are behind you and support you. Love you so much!

  3. Rach you are amazing. You're gonna be great! Both my neighbors (who are my great friends) were both diagnosed with the same thing....both are wonderful, wonderful, amazing girls, wives, mothers of 4 kids and amazing friends. They're awesome and you will be the same. Hang in there, focus on the positive and you're gonna be great!

  4. Rach, I love you. I am so sorry that you are going through this... i wish I could take it away for you. Try your best to remember and think about all the good times and focus lots on everything positive in your life.. I mean really you have "T" and boss man at home and they love you more than they love anything else in the entire world! You will help so many other people by doing the study and it could even be a great experience for you. We are all here to support you through all your ups and downs and pray for you. Love you rachy! Hang in there you are an amazing girl!

  5. Rachel, this is YOUR year! It is a new begining for you. Don't doubt a minute that you are not at the hopeful stage. You are there, working through it, that is all the best you can be at this time. Take each day in little strides. When you get to the end whatever that may feel like for you, you can look back and be so proud of yourself that you did it, your way, its your journey. You are amazing and I admire you ever since Highschool. I only wish that we would have gotten to known one another more. For a suggestion, you can take it for what you wish.. take up a class that has a budding interest inside of you. You be amazed of how much life can be different when you focus on your enjoyments/happiness then your struggles (being on meds). I am open to chat. If you are. Jade