Not My Year Anymore.

So yesterday I walked into Dr Chokka's clinic, hoping I would walk out with a plan for getting off of the Many meds I have been on the last few years. Hopeful that I could move on.





4 hours, and many MANY doctors and tests later...
I sat across from Dr. Chokka knowing I wasn't getting out of his perfectly furnished office without a new diagnosis... And then he said it.

"we've determined that you have the classic signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder."

"oh."

" you knew that was a possibility, right?"

"well, it crossed my mind"

Truth is, it had crossed my mind many times... I have the highest highs and the lowest lows. I lose twenty pounds and then can't get up to work out.





I couldn't help it, I started crying.
He told me I needed to get off of my anti depressants... Because they can make the highs and lows more exaggerated...

Good.

Then he told me I would need to go back on Seroquil.

Not good.

I went on seroquil once before, for a few days... It was terrible. Awful.

But Dr C said it was the best way to go, and also asked me if I wanted to be part of a study for a new drug that would be paired with seroquil.

"It is a double blind test. You could be getting the pill, you could be getting a sugar pill... The good news is, we will be watching you very closely... Weekly, doing blood tests, full body exams, ct's..."

I phased out again.

In the end I signed up to do the study. Why not... If I can help people...I'm in.

When I drove up to the train station to pick up T, he wasn't there yet. I put the car in park, climbed into the passenger seat and started crying.
I cried until 7pm when I finally fell asleep.





T helped immensely. He always has... And he assured me he always will.

Truth is...

I'm sad.
I'm disappointed.

I'm not quite at the hopeful stage yet. When people can say "lots of people have this and lead normal lives with children and everything" and I believe them.
I'm angry.



This was supposed to be my year.

Now what?

R