Thursday, February 9, 2012


I am tapering off of my Zoloft very quickly...

And it's hitting me pretty hard.

I'm going from a relatively high dose of anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, to absolutely nothing in a matter of less-than a week.

It's not supposed to go like that... These drugs are hard to get out of your body... Vertigo, depression, anxiety attacks, headaches, agitation...

On the up-side I am sleeping.

On the down side... I'm having trouble getting out of bed.

I'm lucky for the fact that, I love my job. I love coming in... It keeps me busy, and that's what I need right now to prevent a total crash.

I have had an amazing outpouring of support from people I love and care about, even people who I have lost touch with, I have cried over so many loving words.

I'm not alone.

I'm sorry if I don't respond individually to you... Please understand.

I'm not a "chatter" in real life... I have mastered the art of "grin and bear it" ... It's hard to talk about a mental illness and not feel... Well, crazy...

I'm trying to keep it to this blog... Keep my feelings here.

For now.



Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Not My Year Anymore.

So yesterday I walked into Dr Chokka's clinic, hoping I would walk out with a plan for getting off of the Many meds I have been on the last few years. Hopeful that I could move on.

4 hours, and many MANY doctors and tests later...
I sat across from Dr. Chokka knowing I wasn't getting out of his perfectly furnished office without a new diagnosis... And then he said it.

"we've determined that you have the classic signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder."


" you knew that was a possibility, right?"

"well, it crossed my mind"

Truth is, it had crossed my mind many times... I have the highest highs and the lowest lows. I lose twenty pounds and then can't get up to work out.

I couldn't help it, I started crying.
He told me I needed to get off of my anti depressants... Because they can make the highs and lows more exaggerated...


Then he told me I would need to go back on Seroquil.

Not good.

I went on seroquil once before, for a few days... It was terrible. Awful.

But Dr C said it was the best way to go, and also asked me if I wanted to be part of a study for a new drug that would be paired with seroquil.

"It is a double blind test. You could be getting the pill, you could be getting a sugar pill... The good news is, we will be watching you very closely... Weekly, doing blood tests, full body exams, ct's..."

I phased out again.

In the end I signed up to do the study. Why not... If I can help people...I'm in.

When I drove up to the train station to pick up T, he wasn't there yet. I put the car in park, climbed into the passenger seat and started crying.
I cried until 7pm when I finally fell asleep.

T helped immensely. He always has... And he assured me he always will.

Truth is...

I'm sad.
I'm disappointed.

I'm not quite at the hopeful stage yet. When people can say "lots of people have this and lead normal lives with children and everything" and I believe them.
I'm angry.

This was supposed to be my year.

Now what?


Sunday, February 5, 2012

The next chapter.

So i want to tell you all why this year is going to be so big for me.

It took a long time for me to decide if I should post this or not. some fault me for being such an open book on here. well, This is what I need now, and will need to get through this next chapter. I have great support systems, a great family, loving husband, sweet puppy and doctors... but this is my space...and I need it.

I have been on quite a few meds for a few years now.

I will list them here and the various reasons that I take them... (I take various doses and some I only take "as needed")

Sertraline: a selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitor commonly prescribed as an antidepressant (trade name Zoloft).

    • Zopiclone: (brand name Imovane in Canada, and Zimovane in the UK) is a non-benzodiazepine hypnotic agent used in the treatment of insomnia.

    Lorazepam: tranquilizer (trade name Ativan) used to treat anxiety and tension and insomnia

    Clonazepam: helps relieve nervousness, tension, symptoms of anxiety, and some types of seizures by slowing the central nervous system. In the United States, clonazepam is sold under brand name Klonopin.

    I have been prescribed a few other pills on a "trial" basis to help with my anxiety and depression... some didn't last long. side affects are hard things to deal with.

let me also get this straight... I am not proud of my anxiety. My inability to translate real life into something that doesn't terrify me, make me lose sleep, give me panic attacks.

I am an open, friendly person.. not a lot of people know how badly I struggle.
I am however, one of the "lucky" ones... I am able to hold down a job that I enjoy, and a few friends that know intimately what I deal with daily.

and if your thinking "I know her... she doesn't seem like that at all"

Think a little harder.

I have been on a lot of adventures...
This one is different.
I am not going backpacking across south america, Im not getting married, im not running a marathon.

This year I plan to get off of all of these meds... and start really thinking about the future of my family.

    I started this year with the little things to turn my life in a different direction.

    I stopped drinking coffee
    I started dieting and exercising

    I have been doing daily guided meditation...

    I Know that it is going to get harder to do (or not do) these things as I start this "weaning" process... nothing is better than a hot coffee when you haven't slept in two days.

    The next step was to meet with my doctor to discuss my options to moving away from my meds.
    he wasnt super helpfull. he suggested that if I wanted to "expand my family" that I could simply move to a different type of anti depressants, ones that had a "lesser chance" of birth complexities.

    not good enough.

    My next step was my OBGYN. she gave me some great information... told me more truth about the uncertainty of a lot of these meds with pregnancy. she also told me that many women do need them. happy mom, happy baby, healthy mom, happy baby.
    Makes sense.
    But again... its not good enough.

    Let me re-iterate something here... This is NOT an announcement.
    no babies in the near future. just prep-work.
    I have a hubby to get through school.. and a long road ahead of me.

    My OBGYN made my next step a referral to a well known psychiatrist. Dr Chokka.

    "Dr Chokka specializes in the treatment of mood, anxiety disorders, ADHD, and women’s reproductive health. As the lead in over 60 clinical trials, he has lectured and presented his research in these areas at major conferences, nationally and internationally."

That appointment is this Tuesday..

So join me as I make my big and little life changes.

join me as I move away from my anxiety... and get on with my life.