Saturday, May 5, 2012

.Believe In Change.

Hey Team,

I bet I had you worried!

Just kidding, you know im always fine.

So its been 3 and a half months since I got my diagnosis. 3 months since I stopped all my medications, and began my own healing process.

I had to believe in the power of change.

It has been a roller coaster the last few months. definitely. I have a strong husband who keeps me afloat, and my religion to keep me moving.

Some of the perks of going off of all meds have been:

  • I sleep like a dream. honestly, I can be asleep in 5 minutes flat. its like nothing I have ever experienced.
  • I dont have to remember to take my pills (good. im lazy anyways!)
  • On the days I feel good, I feel like "wow... this is me. im happy all on my own!"
  • I can have kids some day without complications from those medications (fingers crossed)

Like I said, thats just some.

Some of the unfortunate things about going off of medicine.

  • Getting used to what it feels like to be "me" all on my own.
  • Withdrawal symptoms
  • I cry. a lot. for some reason all of my emotions have starting showing themselves in all situations. I'm talking everything from sad movies to commercials. sad stories to sad thoughts. in a way its O.K. I mean, not crying for years and years can get a little old.
  • and finally, "off days" - I used to have off days a lot. most days. but now the off days get a little less intense, a little less often. a little more manageable. things get better day by day. 

I felt really crushed by my diagnosis, but upon further though, prayer and talks from family and friends, I have felt like maybe I can bypass this. I'm not saying that the psychiatrist that diagnosed me was wrong. I'm also not saying that I am in the clear.  I think that I had/have all the signs of someone with bipolar disorder. I also think that thousands of people live their whole lives without the privilege (or curse) of bieng diagnosed or "labeled"  with this illness when they have it.

Every time I have a sad day, an off day... I get scared that I'm slipping. that I have only been doing so well because I have been manic, that every "success story" I have is fake, and I'm destined to fail eventually. I am trying to get that out of my head.

Its getting easier to fight this. I AM NOT a perpetual screw-up. I AM NOT letting myself live on a textbook diagnosis. I WILL WIN.

I Believe In Change.

I am going to cut down on these kinds of posts and move on to the happier things. coming up (after I edit some pictures):
T and I recently went to san Diego to get religously sealed for time and all eternity! my nephew Lorenzo just turned one! DISNEYLAND with the Campbell's! Engagement session with my brother and his gorgeous fiancé! so much coming up! I don't have a phone (long story) but I will be back!


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